rekindle

Disclaimer: I did not abandon my blog, but caught up with lots of work up late. #sad

Well, I have lots of thoughts in mind. To pen them down, or to even articulate them will take me some time. (I'm very much known to my language teachers as someone who has an unorganized train of thought)

First off, I'm left with one week to Mock, one month and few weeks to A2. It has never ever been so intense and I have never felt so pressured. Somehow, I'm still trying my very best to cope, but I have been feeling like I'm on the verge of breaking down. The amount of workload gives me an immense pressure. While I'm working on the four heavy subjects which I'm taking, there are lots more miscellaneous things for me to handle ie. university stuff, scholarship application. Dragging myself to college, I'm stucked with lectures till 4pm because of extra classes, then as I head back home, it's already 5pm. I do my part of revision till 11pm and then I will settle the rest of the things. You can imagine how 'long' my sleeping hours would be. I agree that this will be a process which most people are going through, sooner I may live like this day in day out.

A2 is no joke. If AS was a breeze to you, A2 will be the storm. Maybe worse?
When we return for classes in January after a month break in December, we have to race against time to complete the syllabus, revise, do practices in five months since our exam is moved forward this year. Luck is not on us this round. Worse still, we will the first batch using the new syllabus so we basically have no clue of what the exam board is up to. This is how my stress level is piling.

It has come to a point that I really feel like giving up. It's just not me, not what I would do. I'm torn between my expectation and reality. Giving myself the responsibility to do my best means that I would go all out regardless of what circumstances. But will I be able to? It's not a promise that I would get superb grades of whatsoever, it's a goal which I set to motivate myself that I will do better than before. It has been a really long, tiring journey for the past one year. I have never felt so worn out, emotionally drained. Then again, I have never felt so elated, confident, touched and proud at some point of time. This concoction of feelings gives me the strength.

Deep down, I know that I won't give up. I won't lose this battle. As I work towards my goal, I hope to have made the best out of this journey. The end result doesn't matter much anymore.

If life is battle, you shall be the warrior.
If life is a voyage, you shall sail towards the lighthouse, even in pitch black, in raging storm, in wave turbulence.
There's no reason to give up.