Second semester

Having a semester break, a short one, still makes me appreciate the luxury of being able to blog whenever I like. Was pretty caught up with quite a number of problems make me not a really happy person. Just not the kind of genuine happy. I've always told myself now and then, I will be happy because I'm happy and not because I want to.

So in less than a week time, I will be entering the second semester of A-Level. Haven't been truly enjoying college because of the ever-suffocating workload, I'm glad to be able to take just some time off this holiday although I still have some work on hand to complete. Perhaps next semester will be a better one and a brand new start for me, with a whole new perspective and motivation. Despite having to face AS, IELTS and CAE exams (all three in one semester!), and not to forget to intimidating university application (one of which I love and hate at the most), I still wanna seize every single moment of this six months as without realising, 2016 will be approaching. And perhaps after AS, I will have a wayyy longer semester break and more precious family time when my brother lands on homeland after 10 months. Entering the age of 18, besides learning the juggle with my own problems, time spent with family and friends especially those I'm not able to been that often is one of which I truly appreciate the most. You never know or without realising, it's time to bid farewell. With a heavy heart (a sunken feeling), 2016 is most probably a hardest time to settle down when most of my peeps will be embarking on their universities life in different countries, and maybe I will be apart of them as well. It's totally impossible for me to be at the same place with all of them, just a handful of them. Whereas, most of my dearest friends, will most probably be staying here at our homeland. It's heart-breaking not being able to explore a whole new world with them but the idea of being able to come home to them once a while still comforts me much.

Here I have listed out the countries which I will be handing in my university application real soon, and I decided to keep the names a secret until I make my decision (or you can ask me personally if you are really that desperate):

1. the United Kingdom, of majestic English buildings and Malaysians-try-to-copy British accent
2. Australia, where kangaroos and koalas fascinate me
3. Canada, where one of the major city located along the vast blue sea in the lush green forests gives me a rustic yet enjoyable kind of feeling
4. Hong Kong, a bustling city which have many undiscovered and hidden gems
5. Singapore, just our neighboring county!
6. Malaysia, how can I forget my homeland

Hello June!

I'm in the midst of my semester break and after these two weeks, I have to gear up and push myself for the upcoming examinations. Well, to think about it, no matter how much a struggle life was for the past five months, in a blink of an eye, it's already mid of the year. Perhaps tough time doesn't last? (this must be a joke haha) I'm JUST pulling through AS, imagine A2. As daunting as it is, I have to work even harder, because I know this is my boarding pass to embark on a new journey, to my dream destination. No matter where it is, I have opened up many doors (and even back-up plans), more like a game strategy honestly because I have reminded myself I could aim high, but regardless of which I'm going to achieve, whether it's my dream place or not, I have put my best foot forward and I should embrace my future. Even if it's due to other personal constraints and not because of my results, I have learn to accept it. Isn't this life all about? Accept it and move on?

Having some time to myself these two weeks, I preferred to stay at home to do some work, some researches and put my thoughts together to reflect on the path that I have chosen to walk. I would say I have and have no regrets for it. The reason behind it absolutely brings out the best out of me while on the other hand, maybe I should have been who I want to be and held on to some principles of mine. I was easily swayed away once I'm convinced. I wouldn't bee in the spot I am today, excruciatingly facing the problems laden on my shoulder, if I have taken a firm stand. But, if it wasn't this nature of mine, I would not grow stronger and learn from every experience which I gain tremendously. It's just a part and parcel of life. I fell for countless times, and I just have to pick myself up, walk out of it, learn from it, grow from it and be a better person after all? No one is to be blamed; a lesson which I have learn. No hatred should be involved in this process. Even if I would think that I was deeply betrayed or cheated on, and whether it's true or not, it's not up to me to make a judgement. Even if it's proved to be true, am I left with a choice to take a revenge? The answer is no, this is not a fight. I can be angry for a moment but after that, I'll accept what I'm destined for. It's just fate. Like I don't particularly care how I'm judged, unless it's an advice which I will heed.

After all these, after an 'eventful' month, I came to a realization that this is what I will be walking through as I enter adulthood. To list a couple of adjectives from my personal experience, it will be: painful, frustrated, disappointed, helpless.....that sound pretty negative but it was a 'good' experience as I said, I grow from it. Lesson learn - believe in yourself more than anyone. Quoting one of my favorite quote, "stormy days don't last", no matter how tough it is to pull through it, I believe that one day, when I'm living my dream, I will be able to look back at how much I have grown and be proud of myself. Many prefer to say that life is unfair, buttt I won't put it in this way. I rather take it as life has placed each distinct individual on different path for he or she to walk, some may have a bed of roses, some may just have to pick up themselves and never give up. Even if we are envious of others, just keep telling yourself, since I'm destined for this, I'm given the advantage to savor the bitter part of it first before I'm on par with those who are enjoying life. I have used "savor" because it's definitely a self-discovering journey.

To end this rather emotional post, I take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you who have made me who I am today. Special shout out to all my close friends out there, specifically those whom I have fostered a strong bond with throughout my high school years, thank you so much for shining light on me, guiding me, and dawn me with realization that I am never alone and teaching me so much of things (keeping some things personal here!) some of you are truly blessings to me because I wouldn't know how to face all these without you guys. A message, a phone call means more than anything to me. You guys made me realise that friendship is something which I should never lose and be taken granted of. I sincerely apologize for my wrongdoings if I have done any for the past one year. Thank you for staying by my side through thick and thin. Much love for all of you, especially Xinyuan, Ziyin, Zhiying, Eunice, Jia Yee, Wing Yee, Jocelyn, Jun Xiang, Victor, Jaryl, Kiat Shen. Once again, thanks guys!

Back to reality

I just came back from a pretty short getaway in Penang and I finally got to meet my friend back from high school. It's pretty much a trip for me to let down my hair and to divert my attention from all the workload which is still pilling up. Anyway, it's still one of the most enjoyable trip.

So, other than working on my studies, I have to sort of complete my research on universities and have rough idea on where I should head to. "Live my dream" is always what I believe in as I know a couple years down the road, I just want to be living a decent life which I have no qualms of. I may or may not be making a good fortune out of my career but most importantly, I'm happy and proud of myself. I know choosing biomedical science as my first degree doesn't really gives me a "hopeful" future with "satisfying" pay or not even a path which many will not even take. I receive undesirable comments as knowing that it's not as popular as the usual professions such as medical and pharmacy, people start to question my decision. I just want to say I will take responsible for my decision, I'm sure I have no regrets because in the next few year of university life, I will be having the most exciting experience.

Next, it all comes down to financial problems. You have prestigious and renowned city university, you also have a more homely student town university. Which ti opt for? In terms of tuition fee, without doubt, city university is always on the high side, reaching 20k pound per year (approximately RM120,000) and this does not include other living cost.  I don't see the need to spend a fortune to enter a top notch university if I won't be able to make the best out of my university life. Fame, is all that people look up to in today's society. "Hey, he graduated from Ox----/ Cam-----/ Har---- (the list goes on), he must be a genius!" That's the perception which everyone has. Even I did, back when I was young. Well, it's not about to going to the "BEST" university because perhaps ten years from that, you will be living the same life as everyone else. Who cares whether you are a graduate from these schools or not if you absolutely can't see a VERY bright future upon graduation. I'm leaving it to fate and luck whether I am able to embark on this challenging journey.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed :)

A rather emotional night

There's always emotional nights with a roller coaster ride of feeling engulfing me. Perhaps it's really time for me to put down everything and let go of all the burdens, emotions and just have some time for myself after tomorrow. I should really put the two weeks of holiday into good use before embarking on an even more challenging journey.

It's not that long after the day, but it seems that it has been months, yet years. I couldn't put how it feels into words, in fact. Reminiscing the best time and the memories etched, it's still a struggle to take a huge step forward and embrace the downfalls in life. It comes to a point when I'm so frustrated over my studies and I just want to give up on every single thing. I have really thought of doing so, just to give myself some time to reflect on myself. I'm just so mentally and emotionally drained. I could force a smile and stay strong, because I have made a decision for myself to walk through this toughest time as the better and brighter days await.

The cutting words that tore me down seems to linger on. As much as it hurts, I took it as a bare truth that if it's not meant to be, it will eventually come to an end when someone else has walked into it. It was a great one year, without doubt, with so much of memories created together. And the encouragement, the positive vibes are still driving me to be the courageous one. Probably due to how much I have been through, I have learnt to strive relentlessly and not to give easily. I'm rather grateful for this chapter of my life because it indeed has placed me on a rocky path, for me to stagger my way through. Because of the stormy days, I holded on to the pillar of strength and plucked up the courage to persevere.

It's just my greatest blessing to be surrounded by people who truly appreciate and love me along the way. Their forms of encouragement lifted up my spirit when I was rather down. I can't be anymore grateful for them. I will deserve someone better, someone who truly loves me, for who I am, one day.

While pulling through this hurdle, I have major examinations around the corners and these will determine my entry to my desired universities. And it's probably destined for things to turn out this way so that I can have a clearer picture of my own future. I have not lost the fighting spirit to work towards my dream. Now, I'm able to paint a future of mine, and freed to chase my dreams across the horizon, without any attachment. Even if I'm not able to be at where I'm hope to be at, I know at any place in the world, I will be able to continue to live my dreams, and be the girl who makes my parents and friends proud. Whether I'm able to live the first, second, third or last choice of mine, it will still bring me somewhere, to a place where I will encounter new experiences, meet new people and perhaps foster new bonds.

Life has been made to be challenging, as exciting as it is.
You just got to take extra miles and walk through it.
Wonderful things await.

What have crossed my path

Just wanted to take some time off from my mundane routine (seriously don't expect an 'interesting' life if you aim to score really well haha). Well, I wasn't really into blogging lately with quite a number of commitments while juggling with my studies. I got to say studies, books, classes won't bring you anywhere in life or in the near future which won't be too far away. You might be able to get into the best university in the world with top scores but but where you will be after your university days? Not to be judgmental but I have seen and heard people around me who have graduated from the best universities in the UK (you know who they are) ended up being lecturers. Well, without these brainy people as educators, there won't be me and you who are able to study up to secondary and tertiary education. On the other hand, it also doesn't mean that by enrolling into a mediocre universities, you can go really far and be the world richest billionaire in split seconds.

What I really think is that everyone can go somewhere, be someone and make the best out of your own life. I won't say I have been through the very worst as I'm counting the blessings and being appreciative of what I have been given or even taken away from. Failures, downfalls often lead to overwhelming frustration, regrets and depression but afterall, are you going to fall and not stand back up again? Similarly, are you going to be crossing your fingers to be the best of the best in studies and  have a poor attitude? Growing up is definitely a learning process and many tough paths have to be taken and walked with determination. Learning through the hard ways may not be a choice for us but it's definitely an experience which I cherish. You may all question yourself why am I so unlucky, why life is so unfair, why is my life so sad.... it's never going to end. I have heard so much of these. If you really mean it, I will say that have you ever thought of how much things are you appreciative of? Sounds cliche but definitely, life is not a bed of roses. Don't imagine leading a life that is entirely smooth sailing. Don't even think of waking up in your comfort zone, and lying casually in your bed while waiting for your servant (an imaginary one) to serve you a hearty breakfast. Come back to reality, wake up and have your eyes fixated out the window. Every little beauty is a treasure. Being able to start a new day is already a gift to you.

Speaking about how 'hard' life is or how 'sad' studying is, well, I can't even explain 'hard' and 'sad' in these context. Learning is a lifelong process, are you going to hate every single thing for the entirety of your life? Pre-university courses are the gateway to universities or the key which brings you closer to your dreams. Nothing ever comes easy, just like how apple could fall from the tree. Just like how Newton was dawned on the gravitational force, ultimately he cracked his brain and came up with the Newton's Law that benefited all men. You could have the most money, best brain, most books but are just going to wait for your success to creep in? Even a miracle won't happen. Enrolling into A Levels is not a joke or a 'choice' you have made so people will call you the 'smarties'. It's decision you have made for yourself. After all, you are in a college now, so called the 'cool kids' who are no longer confined to the strict rules back in secondary school. Some may or may not realise it, it's definitely quite  a huge leap from secondary school to college. College aka pre-university is an education institution which will prepare you for the challenges ahead of you but not to daunt you with the rigorous practice of self-independence. No one is ever going to spoon-feed you just like during our SPM days. That's just a dream, okay?!   Not a single lecturer will be able to teach you every single thing that will be tested during exam. A Levels, Advanced Levels is named for a reason. If you are going to sit and wait someone to 'teach' you, you may continue dreaming. Lecturers have taken many approaches to ensure that the students will be able to absorb their teachings but students are also expected to PLAY THEIR PART.

That's all for now. Back to my preparation for the horrifying upcoming examination. Will be back soon!

A grin hides the pain

It has truly been a tough time for me, I would say. Being real honest, being strong is the only choice I have. I could have broken down at any point of time, I could have shed tears, but I don't deserve to place myself in such a situation. Words can't express how much I am feeling for the past few weeks. I smiled, I laughed and joked around with my friends in college. I hope that makes it easier for me to pull though the toughest time. However, whenever I start pondering, feelings overwhelmed me. I don't know how long it's going to take for me to get over it. What more choices I'm left with other than being the tough girl.

I'm truly grateful for my bunch of friends who are always there for me on the stormy days. I'm so thankful to be blessed with such friendships since high schools. At such a time, they could come to me and comforted me with all their might. Though they can't help me much, I feel loved and appreciated when they could come and tell me that they have my back. Thank you, guys.

I just got to say the relationship has lasted for a year, and just when it was our one year, it struck me really hard when it was the end to it as well. Frustration and disappointment wrench my heart whenever I though of how much we have been through. I just got to say, one year may sound easy to anyone else out there but if you were in my shoes, you would feel it differently. From talking over the phone to getting together secretly, breaking up, a heated argument and our trip down north during the holiday. All the memories were created together. I constantly reminded myself how lucky I am to be blessed with someone who love me eternally. I have no qualms on why we have to embark on a LDR. I accepted it as it was with a simple reason, I want the best for you. I gave my full support for you, from preparing for your departure to helping you to settle down in the UK. Despite missing you terribly, I walked extra miles to be your pillar of support as I knew you need me more than I do. I kept my problems so that you could see the smiley girl who you wanted to see. Much sacrifices and thoughts I have put in in the LDR, which is one I have no regrets of. LDR was all tough. It's the truth. If I'm give a choice, it's one that I will never want to pull through. But, I will say struggling with the last four months more than a challenge. You never know how strong you can be until being strong is the only choice you have. When tears are about to trickle, you just have to take it easy and tell yourself all will be fine. You know you have to walk through a lot of things alone and have countless problems laden on your shoulder. Even when you are just so stressed up, you have to take things one at a time.

Being a girl and able to pull through all these by holding on to faith, hope and trust, I absolutely have no regrets. It was truly a life lesson for me to be courageous and be brave, which I have learnt tremendously. Thank you for giving me the best time of  my life. No matter where you will be and where I will be, I still hope for the best for you, as you were someone who I truly love and am grateful for. I may not be the perfect one you are looking for, but I believe one day life will take me to somewhere, someone who will be able to love me, appreciate me and care for me for the entirety of his life. Now, I am given the freedom to pursue my dreams in other parts of the world and set free to count the little things and moments which I may have neglected for the past one year. Moving on is not easy but one step at a time, I will pull though it. Thank you for bringing the best out of me.

Keep smiling. Make them wonder how you are still smiling.

感恩曾经拥有

我从未想过有这么一天我会写起这篇文章。

首先，我很感恩曾经拥有的，很感激你让我在挫折中仍然学会了微笑。从天性文静，选择封闭自己的我到如今较为开朗的我可以说是一大的迈进。或许，我们无法像童话故事中的主角携手画下完美的结局，也无法一起为我们的将来一起奋斗，无法再次篇写最难忘的回忆，无法。。。。。。。

再多的不舍，再多的失落，再多的委屈，我，选择了微笑着面对。这是唯一我会留下的回忆——坚强地在逆境中挂起一丝笑容。一路上的碰碰撞撞，结局的扭转，分分离离，让我学会了勇敢。


谢谢你为我留下了美好的回忆。