A grin hides the pain

It has truly been a tough time for me, I would say. Being real honest, being strong is the only choice I have. I could have broken down at any point of time, I could have shed tears, but I don't deserve to place myself in such a situation. Words can't express how much I am feeling for the past few weeks. I smiled, I laughed and joked around with my friends in college. I hope that makes it easier for me to pull though the toughest time. However, whenever I start pondering, feelings overwhelmed me. I don't know how long it's going to take for me to get over it. What more choices I'm left with other than being the tough girl.

I'm truly grateful for my bunch of friends who are always there for me on the stormy days. I'm so thankful to be blessed with such friendships since high schools. At such a time, they could come to me and comforted me with all their might. Though they can't help me much, I feel loved and appreciated when they could come and tell me that they have my back. Thank you, guys.

I just got to say the relationship has lasted for a year, and just when it was our one year, it struck me really hard when it was the end to it as well. Frustration and disappointment wrench my heart whenever I though of how much we have been through. I just got to say, one year may sound easy to anyone else out there but if you were in my shoes, you would feel it differently. From talking over the phone to getting together secretly, breaking up, a heated argument and our trip down north during the holiday. All the memories were created together. I constantly reminded myself how lucky I am to be blessed with someone who love me eternally. I have no qualms on why we have to embark on a LDR. I accepted it as it was with a simple reason, I want the best for you. I gave my full support for you, from preparing for your departure to helping you to settle down in the UK. Despite missing you terribly, I walked extra miles to be your pillar of support as I knew you need me more than I do. I kept my problems so that you could see the smiley girl who you wanted to see. Much sacrifices and thoughts I have put in in the LDR, which is one I have no regrets of. LDR was all tough. It's the truth. If I'm give a choice, it's one that I will never want to pull through. But, I will say struggling with the last four months more than a challenge. You never know how strong you can be until being strong is the only choice you have. When tears are about to trickle, you just have to take it easy and tell yourself all will be fine. You know you have to walk through a lot of things alone and have countless problems laden on your shoulder. Even when you are just so stressed up, you have to take things one at a time.

Being a girl and able to pull through all these by holding on to faith, hope and trust, I absolutely have no regrets. It was truly a life lesson for me to be courageous and be brave, which I have learnt tremendously. Thank you for giving me the best time of  my life. No matter where you will be and where I will be, I still hope for the best for you, as you were someone who I truly love and am grateful for. I may not be the perfect one you are looking for, but I believe one day life will take me to somewhere, someone who will be able to love me, appreciate me and care for me for the entirety of his life. Now, I am given the freedom to pursue my dreams in other parts of the world and set free to count the little things and moments which I may have neglected for the past one year. Moving on is not easy but one step at a time, I will pull though it. Thank you for bringing the best out of me.

Keep smiling. Make them wonder how you are still smiling.

感恩曾经拥有

我从未想过有这么一天我会写起这篇文章。

首先，我很感恩曾经拥有的，很感激你让我在挫折中仍然学会了微笑。从天性文静，选择封闭自己的我到如今较为开朗的我可以说是一大的迈进。或许，我们无法像童话故事中的主角携手画下完美的结局，也无法一起为我们的将来一起奋斗，无法再次篇写最难忘的回忆，无法。。。。。。。

再多的不舍，再多的失落，再多的委屈，我，选择了微笑着面对。这是唯一我会留下的回忆——坚强地在逆境中挂起一丝笑容。一路上的碰碰撞撞，结局的扭转，分分离离，让我学会了勇敢。


谢谢你为我留下了美好的回忆。

Reality strikes

I don't know what more to feel with my results anymore. It's a mixture of disppointment and sadness, not much of a regret. As I have always believed that hard work will definitely pay off, but this may only be partially true this time. It's probably not worth taking any risk in major exams as such but well, I was surprised that I actually took the risk and so I didn't really fare well in it. I'm definitely not a good risk-taker.
My SPM results may have closed doors that lead me to my future, my dream. This is where the disappointment really overwhelms me. Anyhow, life has to go on and I have to move on. It's time for me to pick myself up to face the next challenge. It's going to be a journey with tougher paths to walk which I'm not up for it. It's my expectation to my result that truly hurts me. I know I should never give up. Despite the uphill challenges that I will be facing in the next few months, I will take it as it is. I'm staying strong.

To all my friends, teachers, my family, my boy, thanks for the endless support and encouragement. Most of all, the motivation that you all have given especially when I'm lost has truly lifted my spirit. Much love for you all :)

Results day

For all '97ers who sat for spm, tomorrow will be THE day for us to receive our results. From afraid, anxious, worried to scared, I don't know what more to feel anymore. It can be said to carry much weight, at the same time, it may not. Sigh. I'm really really hoping for the best and keeping my fingers crossed. It's making me feel unwell these few days for being over-anxious.
No matter how the results will be tomorrow, I shall take it as it is, right? The higher the hope I'm putting on my results, the greater the disappointment. Well, I guess I failed to stay positive!
On the brights side, I will get to meet my classmates and friends after two months plus, probably the last time I will get to meet most of them. How I wish my boy will be there with me tomorrow. Time to stay strong :)

New year, new beginnings

2015 a whole new year for me. I'm hitting new milestones such as to be in college and becoming an Omega Leo as well as unlocking a new challenge in my relationship. It's time for me to learn and grow even more. I have always preferred to be in my comfort zone. Speaking of socializing, I'm awkwardly shy. More towards a listener and a doer, I will quietly listen when there's a group conversation going on or a discussion (devastatingly, this fails me badly during a scholarship interview). This is the time when I will observe and put my thoughts together to weigh the ideas before I give my point of view. I won't say that this is a strength of mine as this habit of me eventually makes me less carefree when speaking and also I eventually becomes afraid of voicing out because I will judge myself before others do.

After today's first Leo general meeting, I had the opportunity to meet new friends and mingle around with this new bunch of fun seniors. We had something sort of like a fellowship lunch and dessert session. Though I was terribly tired after the long day, I will definitely take it as a well-spent day! Most of all, transitioning from an Alpha to an Omega Leo is another journey for self development. Being a Leo for the past three years has been a life-changing experience as I have always mentioned. It's more than meeting new people, giving back to the society and picking up leadership skills. Without doubts, the one thing that I enjoy and appreciate the most through being a Leo is to truly able to know who I am and what I'm able to do. In other words, it's more of a platform for find out my potentials. Through this, I aim to be a better person and gain the long-lost confidence of mine. Haha.

New year, new beginnings. One of my leo senior put up with the idea that all of us should ponder: what's our aim/goal in the club? And so, it sort of gives me the inspiration to have new life goals for the year.

1. Or course, be a better person! Improve my weaknesses such being an emotional doer, judgemental and self-centered

2. Cure the negativity in me (not a single thought of it) and be a more positive person such as to be more carefree, cheerful and happy-go-lucky

3.  To live my life to the fullest. That's what I have been trying to do for the past one year and now, I'll be making the best out of the best. What I meant 'to the fullest' is making every single that I lived worthwhile like doing a small gesture to make someone's day.

4. To stay strong! Both physically and mentally. First, I have been leading quite a sedentary lifestyle for the past three years by quitting sport activities for studies or other sorts of 'relaxation'. So, I guess it's time for me to be right on the track to be a fitter person and for me to unwind myself after a day in college.
While for mentally, it has been 11 days since my bf has left for London for college. Sadly, we have to start a LDR which is a whole new challenge for us. Now, we both have to juggle up studies and relationship. Well, it's never an excuse for us to give up on it after what we had been through but it's a journey that we'll walk through together.

5. Appreciate what I'm blessed with; my family, friends and my love one. At this time of my life, there's so much for me to truly be appreciative of, even a single act of them counts a lot to me. I have left highschool and those friendships that can be kept going make me feel so grateful. While for my family, I have learnt to foster a better relationship with them. And also, be thankful for my love one who relentlessly pull through the hurdles with me and putting up with me.

6. Most most most importantly, college! I will definitely prioritize my studies beside from enjoying college life. A Levels is claimed to be one of the toughest of all the per-university course *sobs* but oh well, it's not something that I should be afraid of! I just want to give my best, achieve excellent grades and gain admittance to my dream universities.

That's all! I'm looking forward to college life, starting from next Monday which is the day after tomorrow. Haha, I can finally call myself a college girl and also....getting rid of the ugly uniform that I wore in high school.

All out for college // My love: Basil and Sage Pesto

Anyone who comes up to me to ask what I truly love to do, without doubt my answer is baking and cooking. Sounds so-no-a-studious-girl will do? Well, the main reason for why I have such a burning passion in culinary can be described in one word -- therapeutic. When I'm so engrossed in serving the finest dish that I can or just to whip up a satisfying quick meal, I'm able to fully concentrate on what I'm doing and temporarily forget what has been bothering me or stressing me out. In other works, I feel more relaxed when I'm in the kitchen haha. Unlike the professional chefs who have nerve-wrecking moments when they try to serve the best dish to their guests, I'm rolling in the kitchen to wind myself down.

After such a long long time, I finally found the enthusiasm to be back in the kitchen to take some time off the books and some problems. And also, I'm trying to clear all the leftover ingredients in the fridge before lunar new year. I'm feeling excited for it as this is the only time of the year that all families will gather for a scrumptious meal to catch up or to foster a stronger bond. While for me, on this festive season, I will share my passion with everyone, whether my family, relatives or my friends by baking cookies to spread some joy to them.

I came up with a pesto recipe. Yes, it's definitely one of my love! This is my second try on a pesto recipe and I will say preparing it from scratch is da best. In my recent trip to Cambodia, I had spaghetti with pesto at Angkor Watt. It costs a bomb because at such a tourist destination, there's no such thing as cheap and good food. But...I'm totally satisfied with the dish. The pesto is so fragrant and the spaghetti is soaked totally in the oil. When I said soaked, it really seems like the spaghetti is bathing in the pesto oil. That's the best part to be honest. I feel so guilty trying to have every mouthful of spaghetti thoroughly coated with pesto oil. The calories in that particular plate of spaghetti is insane.

Here, I came up with a to-keep pesto recipe. Adjust the amount of each ingredient to your liking.

For pesto sauce:
-Sage and basil
(This combination yields a perfect pesto sauce in my opinion as both are fragrant and not overpowering each other. Adding sage brings the sinfully addictive basil pesto to a whole new level. However, using basil is perfectly fine too.)

-Pine nuts and walnuts
(Adding pine nuts will do. I find pine nuts to be a better option than walnuts as it has a stronger nutty smell after roasting.)

- Olive oil
- Garlic cloves

Methods:
Pulse everything in a food blender and ta-daa, you'll have your very own pesto sauce to be served or to be refrigerated.

When you are to serve the spaghetti with the pesto sauce, chop some large shallots and mix it with the pesto sauce in a pan. Heat it without adding any olive oil in a non stick pan as a healthier option. Once you hear that sizzling sound and the garlic starts to turn brown, immediately place the spaghetti into the pan and give it a good toss. Add some salt for a more flavorful option. At this point, you can add more olive oil which elevates the fragrance of the dish, but I prefer to just add some water and mix the spaghetti well so that it's not too dry or too oily.

To counter the greasiness of the pesto sauce, I served it with marinated tomatoes, cucumber and some shredded carrot (basically anything that I can find from the fridge). Mix them with lemon juice, olive oil, salt, pepper, dried oregano, dried parsley and Worcestershire sauce. You will want to prepare this ahead to serve the salad chill and for the marinate to infuse into the salad. The zingy lemon juice definitely do a great job to balance up the dish.

In remembrance of Poppy

That one phone call from my grandfather, saying that you have left us, has delivered the bare truth that you were sent to heaven. I believe you are, for you have brought eternal joy and and laughter to us for the past five years. I pulled myself up to write this post because I never want to forget you as my little brother, more than a pet.

Dating back in 2009 before I sat for UPSR, your biological mother has delivered you and your two other siblings, namely Browny and Spotty in our house. I can't express how astonished I were to have seen you three little ones roaming the garden and squeaking like mice. I witnessed every single moment of your life, from a tiny little one that I manage to hold in my palm to the chubby you who has gained so much weight over the years. When we had the three of you in our house, we were forced to make such a tough decision to only adopt Browny. There, your mother took you and Spotty away from us. Browny was such an adorable, with brown spots on its snow-white fur and an incredibly long brown tail. She's so lovely that everyone of us loves her so much, and even our neighbors and any guests who visit our house will love to carry her in their arms. You were the total opposite back then, with a black spot at one corner of or your mouth, dad and bro had called you the ugly one or the one who has never wiped your mouth after eating. But I love all of you the same. Not long after we kept Browny, your mother brought you back to our house and from then on, we had never seen Spotty anymore, for we believe he has been sent to heaven. I could not blame your mother for leaving you at our house because you are assumed to be independent when you are able to fend for yourself. I will say lucky you that we have adopted you.

Since that day, we have you and Browny with us. I can never forget how we help you two to pull through the days after your mother had left. We kept you in a storage drawer where we kept all our clothings before we get to bed so that you get to feel the warmth when the air cond is on and experience the total darkness so that you can fall to sleep easily. You do have your moments by waking us up middle of the night and so we have to pat you to sleep. It was not easy to make sure that you two are in good hands. Believed to be elder one, you are more adventurous, brave and tough while Browny is always the timid and playful one. We had so much fond memories of spending some quality time with you two and even bringing you all to the park which in fact, left you all in awe! However, Browny decided to leave home and never come back again. I yearned for her return and longed to cast one glance at her, just to make sure she's alright but never once I have seen her in the neighbourhood after searching her for days. I do miss her terribly.

We are left with you only over the years. We managed to help you to pull through the days when your dearest sister has left by reassuring you and giving you the comfort when it's most needed.  But, never did we expect an accident to befallen you. That was during Chinese New Year when we headed to my aunt's place few doors away from ours for a yearly gathering after dinner. It was already late at night, which I believed is 10 or 11pm when all the shops had closed. You lied motionlessly, mewing in agonizing pain as blood was oozing out from your jaw and there were injuries on your limbs as well. Your white fur was stained with blood. We were equally shocked. I could not forget how hard those days were. We tried to render you first aid treatment by apply pressuring to stop the blood flow and spent the night searching for a veterinary that has an emergency unit. I don't know whether I should be thankful or not that we managed to find a veterinary in KL which eventually helped to treat the injuries on your limbs but gave us so much dissatisfaction. They caused you to be in a worse trauma, charged us an unreasonable high amount and worst of all, they gave us the wrong X-ray which showed that you 'had' a fracture on your limb. Thankfully, we went to seek for a second advice from Gasing Veterinary Hospital and I'm so glad that you were looked after by Dr. Melissa who attended to you personally. You had a few days stay in the hospital and even after so, you were able to stare at us with your smiling eyes when we came to pick you up after the stay. You were so brave through the recovery when we had to bring you to the vet for weekly check-up and feed you food and your medications. Despite having a hard time, you have never failed to be the toughest one.When Dr. Melissa said you have fully recovered and took all the stitches out, in no time, you are out of the house to explore the neighbourhood as how you will before the accident.

I would say that accident has taught me to appreciate you and every single animal, may it be a stray cat or dog as life is too short for us to take things for granted. It was you who drive me to be a veterinarian. Now and then, I still dream to be one when I have seen so many homeless cats and dogs that can't even have a proper meal and shelter. I hope to give them the best treatment and a place which they can call home. However, that was merely a dream as I knew I wouldn't be able to perform a surgery or inject an animal as I love them too much. It hit me really hard when we found out that Tiger who was a stray cat that would come to our house daily for the scrumptious meals that we provide you with was forced to leave us. A foreign object hit Tiger right on his spine and affected his central nervous system that both his legs can no longer function. I remembered bringing him to the vet at Taman Megah and fervently hope that he only had a fracture. The doctor tried to make him walk but when we saw that he had to pull his legs to move around, we knew that nothing could turn back time. He was given an injection and was forced to put to sleep. As a Buddhist, we believed that he should live a fairly more comfortable life in heaven after he was freed from the pain

Now, you were sent to join your only friend in life in heaven. We miss you dearly. From the moment I stepped into the house, I realised how empty and lifeless it will be. I stared at your litterbox and knew that it will no longer be put into good use. For the past five years that you had accompanied me, we have developed such a close relationship that I will call family love. There were times that I would hug you in my arms and shed tears while you would stare at me blankly and not making a single noise. There were days you loved to sleep on my bed right next to my leg and I had to shift my body to make space for you. You enjoyed the air conditioner in our rooms and even if you felt cold, you sought for warmth under my comfortable. How adorable you could be. Now, I will no longer wake up to you standing at my door, mewing for me to open my door to let you in so that you could wake me up to feed you your breakfast. It will not happen anymore. I won't have your natural clock to wake me up so that I won't be late for school.

Well, it has been an incredibly memorable journey with you. You have walked the the different milestones in my life with me and your loyalty is one that I appreciate the most. If it's time for you to leave, I truly hope that you can rest in peace in heaven and join your best friend there. Poppy, I will love you forever and always.